TOUGH LOVE

Written by Celine Wallace Photo by Jacqueline Pilar

Although relationships start when you first meet the person, the way you love another human being starts many years earlier, in childhood.

We start to form ideas and learn how to love based on how we see our parents relate to one another, or more commonly, lack thereof. These days 50% of the American population comes from a broken home, and if you grow up seeing your parents arguing, you will likely develop habits to get them to love you and give you more attention as a child. Initially, we resort to acting out to be the center of attention, trying to comfort and fix our parents, or being a victim by having a tantrum.

Now, all of these are very childlike behaviors. Yet, as we get older, we hold onto these survival skills, and the shift from a childlike tactic into adulthood behavior is detrimental to our personal growth and relationship success. Why? Because, as the years go on, these habits create patterns in our love lives, which lead us to negative experiences.

Ask yourself, have you ever dated a narcissist? The person who makes everything about them all the time. What about that one who always plays the victim and consistently needs to be saved? Or, maybe you're the fixer; you find emotionally unavailable people and want to shower them in love and solve all their problems because it's easier than focusing on yours. Narcissists, victims, and fixers—any of those sound familiar?

If you do identify with some of these traits, please, don't blame yourself or the person involved. These habits relate to you in a partnership, yes, but they were developed in relation to how you gave and received love in childhood.

Now that we're more mature, we can identify our default relationship pattern and break it. Personally, I'm a fixer. I always pick emotionally unavailable guys who are going through something and I try to help them. Never mind the fact that they don't leave any space for my happiness as a priority. I do this because when I was younger my mom dealt with a lot of trauma, and I wanted to fix her, so it became a routine way to get love and attention.

It makes sense that when the person who is supposed to love and care for you isn't emotionally available, you could grow up fearing both intimacy and being alone. When we grow with these attachment styles we often have a hard time trusting people, close ourselves off emotionally, are terrified of rejection, and are uncomfortable showing affection. You may also have a hard time recognizing your partner's emotions or responding appropriately to his or her feelings. Hence you may pull away, or grab on too tightly, which in turn ends up harming both your relationship and the person you love.

1. Just knowing your attachment style helps!

Imagine your partner comes home in a bad mood. You jump to the conclusion that you did something wrong, or think it means he or she doesn't love you anymore. But if you know your attachment style is driving your reaction and not the facts of the situation, you can give your brain a little breathing room, and choose a more appropriate response.

2. Talk to your partner about attachment styles.

When your partner is aware of your attachment issues, he or she can help you overcome them. If you tend to push people away and your partner feels you doing this, he or she can talk to you about it before it's too late to mend things.

3. The most important thing to know about childhood trauma is that its impact doesn't have to be permanent.

Studies show that while childhood emotional wounds may have changed your brain, your innate neuroplasticity means that you can change it again. Knowing your attachment style, patience with adjusting your maladaptive instincts, practice, and therapy can help you overcome your trauma and develop and maintain loving adult relationships. So, regardless of what we cultivated in the past, there is light at the end of the tunnel. *